(Fiction) The Empire is Full of Dicks

Darth Vader & Grand Moff Tarkin

[Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader, and an unnamed Admiral wait outside the Death Star meeting room.]

You tell him.

wheez I’m not going to tell him.

Don’t look at me. If I tell him, it’s all “harassment” and shit.

Well, you are the boss.

Right. So, Vader, you tell him.

wheez I can’t tell him. wheez

Why the fuck not??

Because! wheez What the hell am I supposed to say?

Just tell him that you noticed he stopped wearing deodorant and ask if that’s, like…

wheez Like WHAT?

You know! Like, is it a permanent thing?

A permanent thing? wheez

Yeah. Maybe he’s just going through a phase.

A phase? wheez What kind of phase is not wearing deodorant? wheez It’s disgusting. I can smell him through my filter.

I banged this chick on Alderaan once. Long time ago. Before either of you were born. She was all prickly and shit. She kinda smelled like him. It wasn’t a phase. She was like that all the time.

Are you sure she wasn’t a wookie?


Yeah, I heard that sometimes the women get laser hair removal.

Really? Is that true or is that an internet thing?

I dunno. It’s just what I heard.

wheez How could you not know if she was a wookie? wheez

Clearly, he was stoned.

Wait. wheez You blew up Alderaan to get back at her. Didn’t you? wheez

Not exactly, but I’ll admit, it was a nice fringe benefit.

That’s not funny.

wheez I thought it was funny. wheez I thought it was very funny. I’m laughing.

How can we tell?

Can we please decide who’s talking to him?



He’s looking right at us!


Don’t look! Don’t look!

wheez You’re such an asshole.

Do you think he heard us?

I thought we decided Vader was going to talk to him.

wheez We did not. You said I should. wheez I never agreed.

So why don’t you?

Because I’m sick wheez of his bullshit. It’s always something. He’s always wheez making fun of the Force and saying it’s not a “real” religion. wheez If I have to talk to him, I’m just gonna end up Force-choking him. wheez Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Dude… we talked about the Force-choking thing.

wheez I have post-traumatic stress disorder. wheez It’s a legitimate medical condition. I was burned alive in a river of lava wheez remember?

No? Were you really? You’ve only told that story about a million times.

Wait, I thought you were in mandatory anger management. Weren’t you seeing that one troop counselor?

He is. He’s nailing her.

No way!!

Yes, way.

What’s she look like under the armor?

wheez I give her a solid eight and a half. wheez

How the fuck did a crippled dickless motherfucker like yo- Oooooooh. I get it. You did the mind thing, didn’t you?

No. wheez

Look at him. He’s fidgeting. He totally did.

No. wheez It was totally legit this time. wheez

You gotta stop doing that, man. It’s not cool.

wheez I didn’t fuckin’ wheez do the mind shit wheez alright?

Alright, alright. Calm down. Jesus. So how did you get her?

What can I say? wheez I guess she just likes a guy with a Big. Black. Helmet. wheez

You’re such a cock.

Guys, this meeting’s supposed to have started already.

Shit. wheez Well, we can’t say anything now. wheez


Because everyone is here now. wheez They will hear.


So, we don’t want to be mean wheez and say something in front of other people. wheez

Says the man who Force-chokes people every time he’s triggered.

wheez Maybe he’s got wheez a glandular problem.

Glandular? Dafuq you talking about?

Look. We gotta say something. If the Emperor walks by next week and smells that shit, he’s gonna fuckin’ FREAK.

He’ll vaporize him.

wheez I’m so sick wheez of the goddamned paperwork. Every time he—

Fuck the paperwork. We’re still under a hiring freeze. If he dies, we’re gonna have to do his work and I am NOT going back on regulator duty. I told you guys—

Yes. wheez We have heard your idle complaints many times. wheez

What’s that supposed to mean?

Look, I gotta get this meeting started. Here’s what we’re gonna do. At the end of the meeting, I’ll ask him to stay, but then you come tell me we got a lead on the Rebel base, and after everyone’s left, Vader will talk to him.

What? wheez Why the fuck do I have to talk to him? wheez

Because I’m fucking Grand Moff and I said so. That’s why.

Fuck. wheez You’re a Grand Dick is what you are.

Oh, stop being a baby. Just do the breathing thing. That shit freaks everybody out.

Wait… wheez Really? wheez You never told me that.

Now is not the ti—

wheez Is that why everyone stopped inviting me to poker?

No one invites you to poker because you Force-cheat.

wheez I do not!

Vader, sit down! Thank you all for coming. If you’d take your seats, we’ll get this meeting started.